Why the Pirates Suck

The Pirates, in 32 games, have scored just 108 runs, including the 0 that we scored last night.

Amazing, you say!

What's even more amazing is that the Cardinals and Nationals have scored 105 and 99 respectively. The Pirates are actually not last in runs scored. I cannot imagine what it must be like to watch Nationals games. They actually have even played two more games than the Pirates.

The Pirates are the ONLY team in the major leagues with an OBP under .300.

In 32 games, the Pirates have scored six runs THREE TIMES. Three times! They have yet to score more than six runs in a game. We lost one of these games. I defy you to compete with that. The Cardinals have scored 6+ runs five times.

Let's run down the lineup of comically bad hitters:

Chris Duffy is our CF and leadoff man. He is possibly the fastest player in the NL. He has been on base 24 times and stolen just 5. His OBP is .299. That .300 barrier is just too hard to crack, especially when it's not even BA but OBP.

Jack Wilson has hit second practically every day for about four years now. His BA is .275, which, compared to the rest of the team, is not bad, but he has only 6 walks in 131 at bats. Players with a comparable at-bat to walk ratio this season include Joe Crede and Ty Wiggington. My God, Ty Wiggington!!

Batting King Freddy Sanchez is hitting .240.

Our "big offseason left-handed power hitter addition" LaNewGuy, mostly batting clean-up, has really improved his BA. He is now up to .165. We love you Adam! To LaNewGuy's credit, he does have a solid 16 walks, giving him only a marginally below average OBP, which is the only thing keeping him from AAA Indianapolis.

Jason Bay is hitting .268 with a .338 OBP and 4 HRs. Not great, but he's all we got right now.

RF Xavier Nady is hitting .265. We obtained Nady last year in a mid-season trade with the Mets, giving up Oliver Perez, who is 3-3 with a 3.48 ERA for the Mets right now. We could use him!!

Catcher Ronny Paulino is hitting .222. At least it's a palindrome.

3B Jose Bautista is hiting .265 / .323, which is way above expectations.

Other bright spots:

"Big Country" Brad Eldred has 37 at-bats off the bench and has 5 hits.

Nate McClouth, our top backup in the outfield, has an OBP of .324. This is better than expected.

Backup catcher Ryan Doumit is hitting .425 after 40 at-bats. Clearly we need to see him at the plate more.

So for those of you who don't know anything about the Pirates and wonder how they have lost for 14 seasons in a row, let me let you in on a secret: EVERYONE ON THE TEAM SUCKS. There are no good players on our team. At all. (In terms of hitting.)

So now you know.