Why the Chicago Cubs Don't Deserve Fans

The Chicago Cubs Baseball Club, dubbed the "lovable losers" by Major League Baseball fandom, is one of the most popular and nationally followed teams in all of North American sports.

But are these bonafide losers really so lovable? Or do self-respecting, decent baseball fans have legitimate reason to despise the so-called "Cubbies"? Let's investigate:

FACT: The Cubs, during the 1993 baseball season, signed 12-year-old local freak Henry Rowengartner to a Major League contract. With Rowengartner's 100 mph fastball, the Cubs were able to win the World Series, but their rings were taken away when it was later discovered that Rowengartner had his arm SURGICALLY ENHANCED by having the tendons in his elbow heal "a little tight." MLB subsequently covered up the incident to protect the guilty Cubs organization and passed the entire ordeal off to the public as a 1993 kid's movie starring Gary Busey. Since his appearence in the film, Barry Bonds has never been able to win back fans.

FACT: On June 3, 2003, Cubs right fielder Slammin' Sammy Sosa was caught in a Major League game against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays using a corked bat. The Devil Rays have never recovered from this incident.

FACT: The Chicago Cubs single-handedly ruined baseball's 4-division system when they refused to move to the NL West. Ultimately, MLB was forced to create two new divisions, the NL and AL Central. The Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals have never recovered.

FACT: The Chicago Cubs front office continues to believe EVERY YEAR that Kerry Wood and Mark Prior will not get injured. Fantasy baseball fans have never recovered.

FACT: Believe it or not, the Chicago Cubs mascot is a baby bear. I am not making this up.

FACT: Wrigley Field is falling apart and should be condemned. Fans of Wrigley Field often rave about the historical notoriety of the ballpark, but there have been many other, equally old, more historically noteworthy parks in baseball history, including Forbes Field, Oriole Park, Comiskey Park, Crosley Field, and Tiger Stadium. Why don't these parks now exist as hallowed historical monuments? Because they got old and outdated, and so the cities put up newer, nicer stadiums. The Cubs refuse to go this route because the know people buy into the myth that there's some intangible redeeming quality to a really old building with concrete falling from the upper deck.

For all of these reasons, Laura, I implore you to either cheer for the Chicago White Sox or possibly no Chicago team at all.