Manny Rameriz, David Ortiz, Barry Bonds

I just got back from Ohio and Joe's wedding. It was a really good time, though I foolishly forgot my keys along with a few other items...

Lots happened when I was away on the Red Sox front. Manny celebrated Joe's wedding by hitting career home run number 500. The next day he hit number 501. Today, 502. I had a feeling he'd go on a rampage as soon as he got 500 out of the way.

Unfortunately, the Red Sox will be without David Ortiz for at least a month, and perhaps the rest of the season. Here's the video of him getting hurt. I don't really see what happened, but the possibility of losing him for the year begs the question. Who can replace Ortiz?

I thought about how it's Theo's job...nay, moral obligation, to get someone. Citizens of Boston are paying way too much for tickets to not replace him. But I'm a fan of the Ellsburys and Lesters and Papelbons of the world...so I don't want to ruin the farm system. The first name that popped into my head, and granted I'm a bit tired, was Barry Bonds.

Think about it. Who better to replace an excellent left handed hitter who can't play the field than an excellent left handed hitter who can't play the field.

There are two drawbacks. First, from what I hear is he's a complete total jerk. I'm not so worried about that. Winning seems to fix that. Just ask the Cincinnati Bengals about Corey Dillion and the Oakland Raiders about Randy Moss. Then ask the New England Patriots about the same two.

The bigger problem is the mutual hatred between Barry Bonds and the city of Boston. And no, this has nothing to do with steroids. It has to do with the fact Bonds is a complete total ignorant imbecile, and the first time the Sox played the Giants, Bonds said the following

"Boston is too racist for me. I couldn't play there. That's been going on ever
since my dad was playing baseball. I can't play like that. That's not for me, brother."
When the reporter countered that the racial climate has changed in Boston, Bonds
responded, "It ain't changing. It ain't changing nowhere."

That was taken from here. However, as far as I know, Bonds wants to play, and nobody seems to want him. He might very well take an incentive laden contract. Especially if it's the only offer on the table. Even if it costs a bunch to get him, who cares? There's no salary cap and the Red Sox make an obscene amount of money. This isn't the Kansas City Royals. Theo can afford to be wrong, and in my opinion, owes it to the Boston fans to at least call Bonds' agent.

And yes, I think Bonds would be booed by the home crowd at Fenway. That is, until he hits his first home run...

This would be the lineup:
Ellsbury, CF
Pedroia, 2B
Rameriz, LF (Neither Manny nor David likes to hit cleanup...)
Bonds, DH
Lowell, 3B
Youkilis, 1B
Drew, RF
Varitek, C
Lugo, SS

P.S.-The author in the above link actually agrees with Barry, and then goes on to supply all sorts of "evidence." He forgets to mention Bonds admitted to never once stepping foot in Boston, and neglects to mention if he's ever been here himself. I won't refute everything he said, cause yeah, stuff that happened is horrible. I won't mention how the St. Louis Hawks refused to draft Bill Russell based on race. I won't mention how Red Auerbach, often accused of being a racist himself, traded for the draft pick to get Russell. Or how Auerbach was the first coach to start five black players. Or even mention how he was the first to hire a black head coach in any sport. I won't even mention how the Bruins were the first NHL team to have a black player. Neither will anyone else, as it doesn't work very well with Boston's racist reputation. But I will comment on his "Chicago and New York" thing. I get a little upset when people root for New York over Boston cause of race. The Yankees were pretty white themselves, also being the one of the last teams to integrate. If race is your reason for hating the Red Sox, so be it. But don't be an ignorant fool about it. Root for the Indians or Orioles in the AL. Cleveland was first in the AL to have a black player (and first in the AL to have a black pitcher). Baltimore, on the other hand, was second and has a less offensive name.

Jack Sparrow is not a pirate!!

(As a Pittsburgh Pirate fan, I feel it is my right to comment on this movie in the context of a baseball blog.)

Pirates have totally sold out, man.

Back in the day, if you put an eye patch on your eye and a parrot on your shoulder and walked up to a random person on the street yelling, "Yer treasure or yer life, matey!" people would, confused, either cower in fear or beat you up (depending on your size).

Nowadays, every landlubber and his first mate wants to raise the Jolly Roger and drink himself some grog, all due to the no-talent wannabe-pirate hack Captain Jack Sparrow.

Here is a short history of pirates:

Since sea-faring became popular sometime in the mid second millennium, pirates have existed.

In 1882, The Pittsburgh Alleghenies baseball club was formed.

In 1883, Robert Louis Stevenson's book Treasure Island was released in book form, setting the course for how we would view pirates in our culture forever.

By 1900, The Pittsburgh Alleghenies became known as the Pittsburgh Pirates, for stealing players from other teams.

In 1960, Bill Mazeroski, a .260-hitting second baseman, hits the most important home run of all time, a walk off homer in game seven of the 1960 World Series against the heavily favored New York Yankees, giving the Pirates their third World Series title.

In 1963, Capn Crunch cereal is invented, and the "Capn," whose full name is Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, (and whose national allegiance is ambiguous) fought Jean LaFoote, "The Barefoot Pirate" on the back of cereal boxes everywhere.

In 1967, Disney opens the Pirates of the Caribbean theme park dark boat ride. Few take notice.

In 1980, the "We Are Family" Pirates win the franchise's fifth World Series. (edit: Whoops, this was 1979. Thank you Ken.)

In 1985, I am born. By lineage on my mother's side, I am an instant Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

In 1990, Lucasfilm Games releases "The Secret of Monkey Island," the greatest video game of all time (by far) and the absolute authority on all things Piratey. I receive a "pirated" copy from my uncle (yes, I was capable of playing) and become obsessed with the game (and a fan of pirates)

In 1991, a sequel to Monkey Island is released to critical acclaim. This one is even more piratey, and is a masterpiece.

In 1992, the Pirates lose the NLCS in seven games to a small tribe of natives. Barry Bonds leaves via free agency. The Pirates never have a winning season again and become a constant victim of "pirating" with other teams now taking their players for practically nothing.

In 1997, a second sequel to Monkey Island, "The Curse of Monkey Island," is released. Monkey Island has now set a standard for true Piratey tales. (Edit: for a comical video from this game, check out this video.)

In 2003, pirates everywhere are disgusted by the release of the film "The Curse of the Black Pearl." Pirates become enormously popular, but unfortunately, the main character of the film, Jack Sparrow, is misidentified as an actual pirate, when in reality he is just a pirate wannabe. He helps others, and only does illegal things in order to benefit the greater good (despite what he claims).

In 2004, Many people begin to debate the idiotic question of who would win a fight between a pirate and a ninja. Duh, a ninja would win, STUPID. Pirates are drunk, lazy, and malnourished.

In 2006, Dead Man's Chest is released. In it, it is admitted that Jack Sparrow is not a real pirate and that he sold his soul to appear as one. Most Sparrow fans hate the movie. I liked it because it degraded the name of fake pirate Jack Sparrow.

In 2007, At World's End is released. It is the silliest, most over-the-top, messy, uninteresting, waaayyy-too-long movie ever. It features all the pirates of the world fighting together as one against the evils of early British capitalism. What????? Pirates would never do this!! The plot of this movie also features Keira Knightly becoming the "pirate king," which is entirely imbecilic.

As a Pittsburgh Pirate fan and as a fan of true pirates, such as those found in the game Monkey Island, I hearby renounce Jack Sparrow and his silly movies.

Why the Chicago Cubs Don't Deserve Fans

The Chicago Cubs Baseball Club, dubbed the "lovable losers" by Major League Baseball fandom, is one of the most popular and nationally followed teams in all of North American sports.

But are these bonafide losers really so lovable? Or do self-respecting, decent baseball fans have legitimate reason to despise the so-called "Cubbies"? Let's investigate:

FACT: The Cubs, during the 1993 baseball season, signed 12-year-old local freak Henry Rowengartner to a Major League contract. With Rowengartner's 100 mph fastball, the Cubs were able to win the World Series, but their rings were taken away when it was later discovered that Rowengartner had his arm SURGICALLY ENHANCED by having the tendons in his elbow heal "a little tight." MLB subsequently covered up the incident to protect the guilty Cubs organization and passed the entire ordeal off to the public as a 1993 kid's movie starring Gary Busey. Since his appearence in the film, Barry Bonds has never been able to win back fans.

FACT: On June 3, 2003, Cubs right fielder Slammin' Sammy Sosa was caught in a Major League game against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays using a corked bat. The Devil Rays have never recovered from this incident.

FACT: The Chicago Cubs single-handedly ruined baseball's 4-division system when they refused to move to the NL West. Ultimately, MLB was forced to create two new divisions, the NL and AL Central. The Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals have never recovered.

FACT: The Chicago Cubs front office continues to believe EVERY YEAR that Kerry Wood and Mark Prior will not get injured. Fantasy baseball fans have never recovered.

FACT: Believe it or not, the Chicago Cubs mascot is a baby bear. I am not making this up.

FACT: Wrigley Field is falling apart and should be condemned. Fans of Wrigley Field often rave about the historical notoriety of the ballpark, but there have been many other, equally old, more historically noteworthy parks in baseball history, including Forbes Field, Oriole Park, Comiskey Park, Crosley Field, and Tiger Stadium. Why don't these parks now exist as hallowed historical monuments? Because they got old and outdated, and so the cities put up newer, nicer stadiums. The Cubs refuse to go this route because the know people buy into the myth that there's some intangible redeeming quality to a really old building with concrete falling from the upper deck.

For all of these reasons, Laura, I implore you to either cheer for the Chicago White Sox or possibly no Chicago team at all.