Jack Sparrow is not a pirate!!

(As a Pittsburgh Pirate fan, I feel it is my right to comment on this movie in the context of a baseball blog.)

Pirates have totally sold out, man.

Back in the day, if you put an eye patch on your eye and a parrot on your shoulder and walked up to a random person on the street yelling, "Yer treasure or yer life, matey!" people would, confused, either cower in fear or beat you up (depending on your size).

Nowadays, every landlubber and his first mate wants to raise the Jolly Roger and drink himself some grog, all due to the no-talent wannabe-pirate hack Captain Jack Sparrow.

Here is a short history of pirates:

Since sea-faring became popular sometime in the mid second millennium, pirates have existed.

In 1882, The Pittsburgh Alleghenies baseball club was formed.

In 1883, Robert Louis Stevenson's book Treasure Island was released in book form, setting the course for how we would view pirates in our culture forever.

By 1900, The Pittsburgh Alleghenies became known as the Pittsburgh Pirates, for stealing players from other teams.

In 1960, Bill Mazeroski, a .260-hitting second baseman, hits the most important home run of all time, a walk off homer in game seven of the 1960 World Series against the heavily favored New York Yankees, giving the Pirates their third World Series title.

In 1963, Capn Crunch cereal is invented, and the "Capn," whose full name is Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, (and whose national allegiance is ambiguous) fought Jean LaFoote, "The Barefoot Pirate" on the back of cereal boxes everywhere.

In 1967, Disney opens the Pirates of the Caribbean theme park dark boat ride. Few take notice.

In 1980, the "We Are Family" Pirates win the franchise's fifth World Series. (edit: Whoops, this was 1979. Thank you Ken.)

In 1985, I am born. By lineage on my mother's side, I am an instant Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

In 1990, Lucasfilm Games releases "The Secret of Monkey Island," the greatest video game of all time (by far) and the absolute authority on all things Piratey. I receive a "pirated" copy from my uncle (yes, I was capable of playing) and become obsessed with the game (and a fan of pirates)

In 1991, a sequel to Monkey Island is released to critical acclaim. This one is even more piratey, and is a masterpiece.

In 1992, the Pirates lose the NLCS in seven games to a small tribe of natives. Barry Bonds leaves via free agency. The Pirates never have a winning season again and become a constant victim of "pirating" with other teams now taking their players for practically nothing.

In 1997, a second sequel to Monkey Island, "The Curse of Monkey Island," is released. Monkey Island has now set a standard for true Piratey tales. (Edit: for a comical video from this game, check out this video.)

In 2003, pirates everywhere are disgusted by the release of the film "The Curse of the Black Pearl." Pirates become enormously popular, but unfortunately, the main character of the film, Jack Sparrow, is misidentified as an actual pirate, when in reality he is just a pirate wannabe. He helps others, and only does illegal things in order to benefit the greater good (despite what he claims).

In 2004, Many people begin to debate the idiotic question of who would win a fight between a pirate and a ninja. Duh, a ninja would win, STUPID. Pirates are drunk, lazy, and malnourished.

In 2006, Dead Man's Chest is released. In it, it is admitted that Jack Sparrow is not a real pirate and that he sold his soul to appear as one. Most Sparrow fans hate the movie. I liked it because it degraded the name of fake pirate Jack Sparrow.

In 2007, At World's End is released. It is the silliest, most over-the-top, messy, uninteresting, waaayyy-too-long movie ever. It features all the pirates of the world fighting together as one against the evils of early British capitalism. What????? Pirates would never do this!! The plot of this movie also features Keira Knightly becoming the "pirate king," which is entirely imbecilic.

As a Pittsburgh Pirate fan and as a fan of true pirates, such as those found in the game Monkey Island, I hearby renounce Jack Sparrow and his silly movies.